Setting Boundaries with Extended Family - Crosswalk PLUS Marriage Devotional

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Setting Boundaries with Extended Family
By Carrie Lowrance

“Instead, we will speak the truth in love, growing in every way more and more like Christ, who is the head of the body, the church.” (Ephesians 4:15 NLT)

When we get married, we create a new family with our spouse. While our extended family remains important to us and we love them, marriage requires clear boundaries so that, as a couple, we can protect our relationship, peace, and trust.

When people get married, they aren’t just joining two lives; they are also learning to navigate parents, siblings, in-laws, traditions, expectations, and family habits. It’s wonderful to spend time with extended family, but without boundaries, they can unintentionally create tension, confusion, or division.

I know this firsthand from watching my parents and paternal grandparents. My dad would fight with his parents on holidays, and they didn’t like my mom, so all of this caused a lot of tension. That was definitely a situation where boundaries needed to be set.

When people think of boundaries, they immediately think of rejection. This is not what setting boundaries is about. It’s about protecting yourself emotionally, mentally, and possibly physically as well. It’s about honoring the surrounding relationships in a way that protects your marriage. You love your extended family, but that doesn’t mean you allow them to make decisions for your marriage. When you set boundaries with your extended family, you stay connected to them without them controlling your marriage. 

Everyone has that one relative or parent who is too much, and setting boundaries may be hard at first, but it will be worth it in the long run.

Truths to Remember About Boundaries

When you set boundaries with your family, you will probably get some backlash from at least one or two people. That’s okay. Here is what you need to remember.

• Your marriage comes first. Your spouse is your first earthly priority after God. Always put your spouse first.
• Boundaries protect your unity. Establishing clear limits helps prevent misunderstandings and resentment.
• Honor can coexist with being firm. Saying no can be hard, but you can still speak in love and be respectful while saying no. For example, ‘I’m sorry, but we can’t help you with that right now because we have other commitments.’
• You and your spouse must be on the same team. Setting boundaries works best when you both agree and present a united front. 

Discussion Questions for Setting Boundaries

1. What extended family situations create the most pressure for us?
2. Are there areas where we need clearer boundaries?
3. Do we usually handle family concerns as a team or individually?
4. How can we honor our relatives while protecting our marriage?
5. What is one boundary we need to agree on and discuss this week?
6. How do each of us, as individuals, feel about setting boundaries? 

Taking Action to Set Boundaries

• Talk about current family dynamics honestly. What hazy boundaries bother you the most?
• Identify one boundary that needs to be clarified.
• Talk things over and agree on how you will respond together to future requests or conflicts.
• Practice respectful phrases like, ‘We’ve decided to handle this issue together,’ or ‘Thank you for your concern, but this works for our marriage,’ or ‘We love you, but we need to make a different choice.’
• Decide what the boundary is going to be. Call before they arrive? Text before they arrive? Only call twice a week instead of every day? Cut them off completely if needed? (Yes, the latter sounds cold, but in some situations it’s for the best.)

Let’s Pray.
Dear Lord,
Thank you for the gift of marriage and our extended families. Help us honor our extended family while protecting our marriage. Give us wisdom, humility, courage, and discernment to set healthy boundaries with love and grace. Teach us to be of one heart and mind, standing together as we seek to glorify You in our relationships. Amen.

Final Discussion…
This week, choose one situation involving extended family and talk about it together. Decide on the boundaries needed, how you will communicate them, and how you will support each other in keeping them. Also, discuss the consequences and outcomes if you don’t keep it. 

Photo Credit: ©GettyImages/pixdeluxe

Carrie Lowrance is a freelance writer and author. Several platforms, including Crosswalk, iBelieve, Huffington Post, and The Penny Hoarder, have showcased her work. She is also the author of the clean romance series, The Steele Family Saga. When she’s not writing, she enjoys cooking and baking, reading, and hanging out with her husband and sweet cat, Cupcake. You can find out more about Carrie and her writing at www.carrielowrance.com.

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