Praying for Your Marriage is Essential – I

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Jody Burnt: I'm going to time myself to see how long it takes me to load the dishwasher, instead of being mad at John. And she went, and she said it took her 13 seconds. And she said, 13 seconds to put his dishes in the dishwasher. And she said, now, instead of using those things as an annoyance, I look at them and I say, I have 13 seconds to do something for him, and not only that, I'm going to use those 13 seconds to pray for his day. So she uses that as a trigger to pray, and I love that. It changes the whole climate from being an annoyance to being a time when marriage can flourish.
John Fuller: That's Jody Burnt, describing the powerful impact that pausing for prayer can have on your marriage. This is Focus on the Family with Jim Daly, and I'm John Fuller.
Jim Daly: John, it's said that praying in your marriage is one of the most important things you can do. And I've tried it both ways. You know, Jean and I, we got busy and, you know, we'd go through long stretches where we weren't praying together. And I think that is kind of disastrous. And then when you do pray together consistently, it's amazing how that just, I don't know, rubs some of the edges off in terms of those hot buttons that you can push, right? And so today we want to talk about that. One of the great statistics in Jody's book says that married couples who pray daily have less than a 1% divorce rate. So how about that for a silver bullet when it comes to keeping your marriage together and moving forward in a healthy way? Let me add too, a young woman said to me the other day, whenever I hear in Christian communication someone talk about marriage, they talk about how hard it is to work at your marriage. Let me kind of debunk that a little bit. The reason we talk about that is because you want to have a marriage that's really good, right? So it takes a little work. You know, if you want to be in shape, you've got to go to the gym, that kind of thing. So it's not a burden. These are things that we want to equip you with so that your marriage could be the best it can be. So if you're hearing, oh, it's hard work to be married, it's awesome to be married. And it does require some work, but that's a good thing.
John Fuller: Yeah, it really is a wonderful gift. And we're going to be talking with Jody today. She's been here a number of times and she's a public speaker, a Bible teacher, and author of the best-selling Praying the Scriptures series. And one of the books in that series is called Praying the Scriptures for Your Marriage. We'll have more details about Jody and this great resource at our website.
Jim Daly: Welcome back, Jody. So good to see you.
Jody Burnt: Thank you so much, Jim. It is a delight to be here.
Jim Daly: Good, good. I need to, I need to confess. I'm sitting here thinking about it. Jean was the one who said, we need to pray more together. So she gets the credit on that. I don't want people going, oh, Jim is so wonderful.
Jody Burnt: Jim is wonderful, but we really love Jean.
Jim Daly: No, Jean's awesome. Jean is the anchor. But it's true, so often, you probably see that too. You know, women, they want to feel that connection that way. And I would think typically, but maybe I'm just trying to get myself out of, you know, spiritual jail here. But typically I would think the wife is the one suggesting, why don't we pray more together?
Jody Burnt: That's certainly what we heard before I wrote this.
Jim Daly: Oh, thank you.
Jody Burnt: Yeah.
Jim Daly: You're not alone, Jim. You're not alone.
Jody Burnt: Okay, good. I'm normal. Now, before I did this book, I threw out the question on social media, you know, and in my email group, what would you like God to do for your marriage? And it just was interesting to hear people's responses, and you can imagine the different things people wanted, better communication, help handling money, handling conflict, dealing with parents and in-laws, that kind of thing. But one of the things that came up again and again, and it won't surprise you, is that people wanted that deeper intimacy, spiritual intimacy, not just with God, but with their spouse. And I think that's great. I really do. I encourage people, think about what you would like in a spouse, or if you're already married, you know, speak to those things you are seeing that are positive in your marriage and your spouse and and breathe life into those things by affirming them. But I think we make a mistake when we think we can find the one, because you get married and immediately you change. You know, I say that college Jody that Robbie fell in love with was way more fun, I think, than newlywed Jody who was trying to juggle a job and a house, you know, and a new marriage. And then along comes mother Jody and mom Jody, you know, is is less fun because she's starting to worry. And so, I mean, I would say, and they say what do they say? I've been married to 37 women or 37 men and they've all been the same person, but they change all the time. So I think sometimes Stanley Hauerwas is a, I don't know, an expert of some kind. I don't know exactly his degree, but he writes that the challenge in marriage is learning to care for the stranger to whom you find yourself married. Because you do wake up sometimes and say, wow, you know, you've changed, I've changed, we're all changing. So I think that's really important.
Jim Daly: You know, let me ask you this. You're mentioning the multifaceted part of life. You start as a dating your husband, and then you marry, then eventually kids come and you're a different person in all those settings, obviously. When you got married, what was your prayer life like, and then where did it go? So many times as authors and speakers and communicators, people think, oh, they just had it down. They got it. And it's really not true. And it's so important to debunk that. I mean, you're writing out of experience what didn't work probably, what was causing you maybe some pain or frustration. So just describe that journey from what it was as that first Jody to the 37th Jody.
Jody Burnt: Well, you know, and it's it is continuing to evolve and God is continuing to teach and train and he's so filled with grace, which I so appreciate. But, you know, I think certainly for Robbie and me in our in our shared prayer life, that's been a little bit of a mountain to climb because as husbands and wives, as men and women, we approach prayer differently. I like to use a prayer journal. I'm fond of praying out loud. He's very good at praying in his head. He doesn't need to write everything down to remember it. And so for us to have that shared connection, we've had to be kind of intentional and just say, you know what, let's take my hand and let's just pray about whatever it is that's concerning us. And it might be, like for anybody listening who thinks, oh, wow, Jody and Robbie have this deep and intimate, wonderful, long-term prayer life, we might pray for three or five minutes about something. And, you know, I I have these things on my website that are 31-day prayer calendars that just have one verse. Because I'm so all about making prayer doable. And I think sometimes when you just take one verse, like first Thessalonians 3:12 says, may your love increase and overflow for each other. You know, if you're feeling a little tension in your marriage, maybe you just spit that one out. God, help our love increase and overflow for each other, and you've prayed, you know, so I think it can be simple like that.
Jim Daly: In that way, expectations can be different at any phase of your marriage, newlywed, midterm, late-term marriage, right? So how do you express those expectations in a way that is helpful, not harmful?
Jody Burnt: I think, you know, expectations are big things. And for any newlywed or engaged couples who are listening, and and us oldyweds too, but I just think that you need to leave room for the fact that you're coming with different backgrounds. You know, Robbie and I got married and I had a dad who helped out a lot in the kitchen. He would go purchase the groceries, he was, you know, he was, he was. And, you know, most girls can say, my daddy, you know, a lot of girls can. And then the poor husband comes in and he doesn't do everything exactly like daddy did, or he does it differently. And so that definitely created some tension for us. And I'm sure he's thinking the same thing, hey, you're not getting up early before breakfast before I get out of bed and have the hot breakfast ready like my mom did. You know, so we come in with these different expectations.
Jim Daly: Those fathers.
Jody Burnt: And I remember talking to the Lord early on saying, can't you fix Robbie? You know, can't you make him more like my dad? And and it was really sweet because God said, Jody, you know what, if you'll just quit nagging and if you will trust me, I can shape him into a husband that is above and beyond anything you could create or dream up, even if I gave you a blank check. And and I said, okay, I'm just going to, I'm going to trust you. And I wish I could say I stopped nagging forever. I didn't. But what God did in that moment as an answer to that prayer, the very next day. And he doesn't always answer prayers this quickly, but the very next day, we'd been married uh nine months, maybe a year, he walked in the kitchen, he said, is there anything I can do to help? Help with dinner. And I, you know, I burst into tears and poor Robbie's probably thinking, wait a minute, I thought you're crying when I'm not helping and now I'm helping and you're crying. But but God has just been wonderful in terms of shaping both of us to be the person the other person needs, and it's not at all like what we expected. I would say it's better.
Jim Daly: Let let's on the practical side, you do mention two different ways you can pray the scriptures over your marriage. I want to make sure we capture that to give people a taste of the book and what you're expecting.
Jody Burnt: Yeah, because not everybody knows what praying the scriptures is. I mean, you and I have talked about it before, but all it is really is using the Bible not as something you just read, but as something you pray. Going through and when you read, you know, Psalm 46:10, be still and know that I am God. You can take that and turn it into a prayer prompt. Your mind is racing, your heart is racing, you're worked up about anything. And you can just say, Lord, gosh, help me be still. Quiet my heart. You know, trade my panic for peace. Let me know you are God. So that's what I'm talking about when I say pray the scriptures. And really it's Jesus's invitation, right? In John 15, he says, if you remain in me and my words remain in you, ask whatever you wish, and it will be done for you. And, you know, that's not some sort of name it, claim it, prosperity gospel, vending machine, put your prayer in, the request answer comes out. None of that. What he's saying there is that the more we abide in him, the more we dig into scripture, into his word, letting it shape our thoughts, our longings, our desires, the more our prayers for our marriage or anything else are going to start reflecting what God already wants to, what he's already doing, what he wants to do in our lives. So, in praying the scriptures for your marriage, I looked at answers from those surveys we talked about earlier and came up with 20 different topics that are common to most marriages. And then work that, and you can pray the scriptures as as you ask me in two ways. One is topically. Like if you pick up the book and you go, I, we need help with some friends. We don't have any good friends. I want to flip to that chapter and find out how we can find those life-giving friends in our lives, how we can become those kind of friends. Let me read the stories there. Look at some some of the discussion questions at the end of the chapter and pray the prayers. Or you don't have to even go that way. You don't even need the book. You can just pick up your Bible and pray through scripture. And it's not at all topically. It's just, you know, as you're seeing, like I was reading the other day in Mark 6, I think it is, and Jesus tells the disciples to get into the boat and go to the other side. And they, when he walks out to them later that night, they're straining at the oars. They the winds is against them. And what I read in that was, okay, they're obeying Jesus. They're doing what he tells them. He says, go to the other side. But it's hard that obedience. They're finding a storm. And I read that and so I pray, Lord, when I'm obeying you and I come up and I feel like the wind's against me, help me trust. Help me continue to obey. Help me keep pulling at the oars.
Jim Daly: Yeah, and so often, I think we as Christians, we think if we feel God's telling us to do something, then the wind should be in the sail.
Jody Burnt: We do think that.
Jim Daly: That's the contradiction.
Jody Burnt: And when the wind comes against us or it's hard, what? I'm I'm obeying you. And it's not always that way.
Jim Daly: What?
John Fuller: This is Focus on the Family with Jim Daly and our guest today is Jody Burnt, talking about her book, Praying the Scriptures for Your Marriage. This is a really practical, wonderfully rich resource, and we have copies of it here at the ministry. Learn more at focusonthefamily.com/broadcast.
Jim Daly: Jody, you mentioned personality a minute ago, how that plays into praying for one another, but also just about everything in your marriage, because I think subconsciously, and experts, marriage experts talk about this, we're typically drawn to somebody who's opposite, not in everything, but in many things, extroverts and introverts, those kinds of things. And it's just I think it's a wonderful affirmation that the Lord says, you know, you're your completer, your helpmate. That we just seek people out or seek a person out to marry who complements the things that we don't possess. And then it starts to irritate us.
Jody Burnt: Oh.
Jim Daly: Which is so funny. But I think you had a really good story about Canada and personality differences and let's I'm getting it out on the table. Confess.
Jody Burnt: Oh my gosh. We are. We are. We are. Yes. In the story on the chapter on handling conflict, I I share a couple of our of our stories. One was we had been invited to a a party in Atlanta. We lived there, didn't have any friends yet, and someone invited us to come to this party where there was going to be a dance band, a dad band playing songs, and I just thought this is going to be great. And we're partway through the night and and Robbie was not asking me to to dance. And I'm, you know, twirling under his arm trying to get him onto the dance floor. And I was getting madder and madder because I thought all these people look so fun, and they would probably want to be our friends, and we have a babysitter we're paying at home on the clock, and he's not dancing. And he's thinking, we don't even know these people, and I don't want to make a fool of myself. And just he's just a little more, I would say, polite and diplomatic than I am. I'm I'm harder to embarrass and I'll do anything. And and so it escalated until I just, I left the party. And I'm I'm not proud of this. You know, it's in a strange neighborhood. It's dark, it's nighttime. I I'm walking away and and thanks be to God, Robbie came after me, you know, in his car, and he says, get in. And we went home and. Um, he didn't know how much the dancing had mattered to me that night. Um, but, you know, we used to do a thing in our families where we would make these uh, make these movies. I think one of our friends saw Robert Redford had all his friends and he started Sundance with movies that his friends had made. And so one of our friends was like, you know, we could do our own film festival. Let's get eight eight or 10 families and you make some home movies with plots and costumes and all that. And and we did that. We had our own Academy Awards. So we are we are uh we are heading to Canada one time with um four kids and two dogs, and we're our movie has to do with a pirate who's kidnapping some people and taking them across the border. And Robbie was the pirate. And I said, here, we're coming up to the border. Put your pirate hat on and your eye patch, you know, and and say your lines. And he's like, I am not going through border security dressed as a pirate. Anyway, um, we've just I I shared that and you can read more about it in the book, but the point is, we each had different personalities. I'm all about going to Canada dressed as a pirate. He's all about not walking onto the dance floor in a crowd you don't even know anybody. And and God has used me to bring him out. He made a wonderful pirate. He's he's he's he has 10 years of movies under his belt now. He's great. He's the best. He won best actor.
Jim Daly: Way to go, Robbie.
Jody Burnt: You know, Yeah. Yeah. And meanwhile, um I've learned to not always uh be quite as embarrassing. You know, my children will say, mom, it's so embarrassing being you. And it kind of is. But I think that thanks to Robbie, I've learned how to sometimes hold back.
Jim Daly: No, that's really good.
Jody Burnt: It's been good.
Jim Daly: Jody, I'd like to get some examples from you on how to bridge that gap. Maybe personality differences, what have you. How does prayer help you accomplish that?
Jody Burnt: Wow. Okay. So, um, when you do have these different expectations, different personalities, that can, you can rub against each other a little bit, you know, like sandpaper. And and I love Charles Spurgeon said, conflicts bring experience, and experience brings that growth in grace, which cannot be attained by any other means. I read that quote and I thought, you know, it's true that conflict does bring experience. It can teach us about one another. And over time, you know, I wouldn't say for Robbie and me it was an instantaneous growing in grace, but we really have seen that growth in grace. And and you asked about prayer's role in that. And, you know, study after study has been done to show the benefits of prayer. Even things that might not be trotted out in a church or a Bible study. Secular research has shown that prayer gives you a higher sense of satisfaction in marriage, a greater sense of emotional well-being. Uh there was an article I think in the Wall Street Journal saying, even if you're upset or annoyed with your spouse, you know, they were late again. They uh left the toilet seat up. They did, you know, whatever. It says, when you pray together, or even pray for your spouse, not with your spouse, that gives you a chance to calm down. It reinforces the idea that you're on the same team. And I love that idea of remembering that you're on the same team. Before one of our daughters got married, I think it was Virginia. We had all the families together and we said, all right, you know, between us here, we probably have 150 years of marriage wisdom or or maybe maybe 100. Um, get everybody that to weigh in with with what they think. And one of the best pieces of advice came from my son-in-law, Jeff. He said, you know, you want to remember when you're in a conflict, it's not about trying to win. You don't want to be the one that's right and have your spouse be the loser, because you're a team. And that would be a loss for your team. So how can you work through your conflicts to get to that point of grace, so that it's a win?
Jim Daly: And what you're describing is selflessness.
Jody Burnt: Yeah.
Jim Daly: Which is really hard for us, especially in those relationships, right?
Jody Burnt: But you know, selflessness is the key, isn't it? Like we've often said in any relationship, marriage or anything else, if you followed Paul's advice in Philippians 2, to in humility, don't look at just at your own interests, but at the interests of others, considering their needs ahead of your own. The world would be a much better place. Our marriages would be a much better place.
Jim Daly: Yeah. The uh, I was going to touch on this one because it's kind of close to home. I have a friend.
Jody Burnt: I have asking for a friend. Yeah, I love asking for a friend.
Jim Daly: I have a friend that I know really well. And this is the one where you share, you learned how to pray for your husband when he left dishes in the sink.
Jody Burnt: I have a friend.
Jody Burnt: That one I'm familiar with something like that. We must have had a guest that talked about that.
Jim Daly: Maybe it's the laundry again.
Jody Burnt: Asking for a friend. This was so good. Um, this was this was actually um, true confession. This was my mom, who is remarried and my father had died uh when he was 60 of a brain tumor, and mom uh got remarried and in her new marriage, she noticed that her husband was leaving the dishes in the sink and it was kind of annoying her. But then she thought back to something that she had seen in our had learned in their pre-marital counseling. And I love that on a second marriage when you're 69 years old that you're going to go to marriage counseling. They did that. You know, we we're never too old for that. I love it. But she said one of the things that they learned or they they'd seen a a man talking about how his wife always left the cupboards open in the kitchen. And he went into the kitchen and it would bug him day after day. But then he said, you know, I wonder how long it takes me to close the cupboards. And and he realized it took him no time at all. So instead of letting that be such an irritation that could build up, he just closed the cupboards. And so she said, you know, I'm going to time myself to see how long it takes me to load the dishwasher, instead of being mad at John. And she went, and she said it took her 13 seconds. And she said, 13 seconds to put his dishes in the dishwasher. And she said, now, instead of using those things as as an annoyance, I look at them and I say, I have 13 seconds to do something for him, and not only that, I'm going to use those 13 seconds to pray for his day. So she uses that as a trigger to pray, and I love that. It changes the whole climate from being an annoyance to being a time when marriage can flourish.
Jim Daly: She sounds very proficient at loading the dishwasher.
Jody Burnt: 13 seconds. Maybe she maybe he leaves out the pre-rinse.
Jim Daly: Oh, 13 seconds? That's like Olympic skill.
Jody Burnt: She might be fast. I don't think she is as anal about doing it as I was.
Jim Daly: She wasn't throwing them in the dishwasher.
Jody Burnt: She might have. If you imagine my mom, crash, bang.
Jim Daly: Throw. No. you discovered that you needed to be more emotionally aware one day when taking a test with Robbie.
Jody Burnt: Oh, you pulled all of the dirt out, didn't you?
Jim Daly: Yeah, this is what we love about authors that bear their soul. You wrote it.
Jody Burnt: Oh, yeah.
Jim Daly: Yeah, you wrote it. But was it like an assessment, a personal?
Jody Burnt: We were this is the worst part, we were teaching a marriage class.
Jim Daly: Even better.
Jody Burnt: Robbie and I use to do that. And as part of teaching it, you know, we thought as the instructors, we ought to do all the exercises that are in the material. And one of them was this thing where you rate your spouse on 20 different topics and you give him a zero to four or five, whether they do it poorly or well. And then you exchange your answers. And we got to the part where we're going over what each other said. And I said, Robbie, you gave me a zero. And the the question was, in how well does my spouse meet my emotional needs? And I was like, a zero. And he said, yeah, you don't meet my emotional needs. I said, Robbie, I didn't know you had emotional needs. I was like, you are the steadiest person I've ever met. And he is. That is you know, one of my favorite attributes of Robbie. It's hard to ruffle him. He doesn't go high and low and all over the place like I do. So he's so steady. But I didn't know that he had emotional needs. But that was one of those things that I learned, you know, that that was. And I think that's in the chapter on protecting your marriage. The things that we have to do because, you know, it's a lot easier to prevent a crisis in a marriage than it is to um recover from one. It's easier to build a strong marriage than it is to repair a broken one. And I think if we take those little steps to be able to assess, you know, oh, I didn't know you had emotional needs. What can I do to support you? To um understand what those are. How can I live in such a way that honors that? That can help protect your marriage and to build a stronger marriage from the get-go.
Jim Daly: Wow, that's really good. I give both of you credit because that uh, you know, a lot of us guys behind the scenes, Robbie, what are you thinking? You got to score that a seven, not a five. But the honesty to do that, and then your response to be able to ask the right questions. Say, okay, what's going on here?
Jody Burnt: A zero.
Jody Burnt: Well, I didn't want a zero. No wife wants to score a zero.
Jim Daly: Now, did you have a frying pan in your hand when you were?
Jody Burnt: No, I love the old, you know, whenever I talk to my wife, I held her hands and we're like, yes, that's what they she can't hit you, right?
Jim Daly: Or or some kind of weapon.
Jim Daly: But that's good. I think that's good dynamic discussion about something because you made an assumption and he still needs that kind of affirmation and things.
Jody Burnt: Yeah. You know, and I think it doesn't matter how long you've been married, going back and asking some of those questions because we change, don't we? You know, and even those even those love languages, something that might have been your love language when you were newlywed. I really want physical touch and quality time together. Maybe, you know, 20 years down the road, you want some acts of service. It's good to keep revisiting those tools.
Jim Daly: We're down to the end now, but I do want to ask one more question. Then we'll come back next time and and ask more questions about how prayer can strengthen your marriage and and how to do it effectively together. This last question, how does prayer help bond you closer to your husband and how does it protect your marriage? And I I think in the context for me, you know, we're always dealing with issues within marriage. But the whole concept of how God has constructed us, body, soul, and spirit. And so when you talk about physical intimacy, that's important. But spiritual and emotional intimacy, I'm learning from Jean, to be honest, is really important.
Jody Burnt: Right.
Jim Daly: Yeah. And sometimes that can be such a valley for a lot of spouses, for a lot of women particularly. Because they don't feel like they're getting that closeness, but prayer can help.
Jody Burnt: Prayer can help. Prayer really does open the door to that intimacy. And I think it helps as we talked earlier, um, you know, because there are going to be times when we can't love each other well. And by inviting God into that conversation, that just allows him to go to work on both of our hearts, to join us together. But, you know, Jim, I tell you, I heard over and over again, what if my spouse doesn't want to pray with me? You know, what if I'm married to a non-believer? What if I'm married to somebody for whom that feels awkward, unfamiliar? And I would say, and and that's what the book is all about is, you know, do what works. Do what works. And when we used to teach the marriage courses, one of the things we told people was if if your spouse isn't comfortable praying together, maybe start with the question, um, what can I do to support you? How can I let you know you are loved? And that too can open that door to intimacy. It can lead to an environment where maybe prayer does become something that um feels more doable, more familiar. But honestly, Malachi 3:16, it's one of my favorite verses. It says, those who honored the Lord, those who feared the Lord, talked with each other, and the Lord listened and heard. And I think that in the context of marriage, and another human relationships, as we are coming together, as we're talking to one another, how can I support you? How can I let you know you're loved? God's listening in on those conversations. And I think that he might even receive those as prayers. So we might not be intentionally saying, okay, bow your head, we're going to pray. But as we're talking about ways we can grow in love, we can grow and support. We can reflect this covenant of love that God loved us first, and we're only loving because he loved us. I think he can receive that as a prayer, and I think God can work in our marriages.
Jim Daly: Well, I believe that 100%, and it was so great talking with Jody today. Prayer is such a wonderful way to keep your marriage healthy, and it can do so many things for you as a couple. It lessens friction and increases intimacy, and it allows the Lord to work powerfully in your hearts as husband and wife. So you need to get a copy of Jody's book, Praying the Scriptures for Your Marriage. This is an excellent resource every couple should have. We can send this book to you when you make a monthly pledge of any amount to the ministry.
John Fuller: Yeah, and another resource we have, Jim, is a set of prayer cards that Jody has developed and provided for us. Uh they're meant to really help make prayer easier, and they're going to enable you to create a daily discipline of prayer in your marriage.
Jim Daly: And that's exactly why Focus on the Family is here, to help your marriage and your family to thrive in Christ. Our research shows more than 440,000 couples have built stronger marriages with the help of Focus on the Family over just the past 12 months. And that's all possible because of the ongoing support of friends like you. So, let's build stronger marriages in Christ together. Make a monthly pledge or send a one-time gift, whatever you can afford, and we'll put those resources into your hands.
John Fuller: The place to start is to call 800, the letter A in the word family, or donate and get the book and cards at focusonthefamily.com/broadcast. Thanks for listening today to Focus on the Family with Jim Daly. I'm John Fuller, inviting you back for more insights about prayer and your marriage next time as we once more help you and your family thrive in Christ.
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